We all want to feel good, happy and inspired with every step and breath we take in this wonderful life. Yet many fail to achieve this balance of happiness and live in misery cursing the life they have failing to see the beauty in it.

During unsettled times we are often advised by friends and family to “think positive”. But what does think positive really mean. I often wondered this myself and with time I believe I have narrowed it down to a set of 3 “key” actionable points to feeling good by thinking positively. Here are these points in more detail:

1. Become aware of your emotions

• Emotions are your “automatic” reactions to events in your life. They are as Anthony Robbins calls them “patterns” – a fight or flight response with various intensities based on the trigger. Emotions last from few seconds to couple of minutes and no longer.
• Stacked Emotions = Mood. You may have heard people say – “Leave me alone I’m in a bad mood.”. This typically happens due to “stacked” emotions. The stacking process begins when a trigger is set off (say bad breakfast) and a negative pattern is set off automatically. The response to this could leave you cursing the bad breakfast. Then another event occurs which sets off another bad pattern yielding a negative emotion. The stacking is one bad emotion after another. By the time you leave home for work / your next set of activities you may be in a “bad mood”.
• Therefore, enough of these “bad” Emotions will lead to a “bad” Mood. Bad Moods are your worst enemy. They can last for a full day! Which is why you need to learn to control your Emotions in order to have “Positive Moods” resulting in a blissful day.

2. Smile – it’s contagious

Ernest at LA's Laugh Factory

We are taught in our childhood to not show emotion because it’s a sign of weakness. Thus we wear a lifeless mask in the public, especially during business encounters. What we were not taught is that your facial expression affects how you feel (see point 3 below). Putting on a sad face or a smile directly produces the feelings that the expressions represent, according to a new theory of how emotions are produced.  For more detail on this research visit an insightful article in NY Times here. Smiling is a sign of Strength & Good Character – it should be encouraged because those individuals that smile are positive, self motivated and optimistic. Optimisim empowers problem solving. And don’t forget, happiness is contagious!

• It takes less muscles to smile then frown. Yes it’s true! This century old saying by Charles Darwin and William James still holds a lot of scientific merit. More on this topic here.
• You certainly don’t want to look grumpy in your senior age – so smile.

3. Change your physiology since it affects your psychology

“Put your head up, shoulders back and smile – the world looks better from above.” – Tony Robbins

• We all know this, but we never pay much attention to this simple habit.
• When you feel low, tired and unhappy go to the gym and get a workout. I guarantee you that you will feel better. Think of all the times when you just finished a work out and how great you felt. This is because the act of moving is beneficial to your health. Your body inside starts to feel good and thus in turn has a positive effect on your psychology.
• Tony Robbin’s quote above also hold a lot of merit. Look at those who are unhappy with life – they “droop” down, head down, shoulders in, scraping to be happy. The world looks a lot better from above. Put your head up, shoulders back and smile – you will notice a lot more around you and see the world from a better angle.

How to destroy a bad mood

Wow, some great ammo here to get you feeling good right. These steps are easy to implement, you can start doing them as of now. But there is still one more golden bullet required – how to destroy a bad mood. Since moods are harder to change, changing your “state” is required to change your mood. Here are my top 3 which work every time:

• Go for a long walk and leave the worries behind for an hour. Breath deeply during this walk and think back about the day’s good experiences (learnings) you have gained.
• Take a hot shower or bath with Epson Salt. Epsom Salt is amazing for relieving tension in your muscles and this will certain relax you. Check out my previous post on Epson Salt and it’s benefits.
• Meditate to clear your mind & give it a “reboot”. Meditation has been around for a long time as a form of relaxation and stress (anxiety) relieving tool. It’s easy to do and anyone can practise. If you want to raise it a good notch spend an hour in a Floatation (Isolation) Tank.

Here are the links to my previous posts explaining these techniques in a step by step format:

• Breathing: http://blog.ernestsemerda.com/2009/11/24/breathing-the-elixir-to-a-healthy-life/
• Meditation: http://blog.ernestsemerda.com/2009/12/04/the-monkey-mind-how-to-bring-inner-peace/ and
• Isolation Tank: http://blog.ernestsemerda.com/2009/09/03/floatation-isolation-tank-fringe-science/

Do it now!

If you feel like you are miles away from happiness realise that you are only 2mm away. I encourage you to watch this amazing YouTube video from Anthony Robbins talking about our perception of achievements in our life and how close things really are. There is also a great book on this topic on Amazon by David D. Burns called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated. I recommend you read David’s book to gain more insights into feeling good.

As always, I love questions, so ask away!

Enjoy,
Ernest

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If you are a fan of the TV Series Lie to Me (like me) you are going to love this book by Dr. Paul Ekman – Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition. This book is the science behind Lie to Me. From breaking the law to breaking a promise, how do people lie and how can they be caught. All 20 years of Ekman’s knowledge in this field is encapsulated inside this fantastic book.

When people lie, their most evident, easy-to-see expressions, which people pay most attention to, are often the false ones. ~ Telling Lies

Who is Dr. Paul Ekman

Dr. Paul Ekman is a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. He is considered one of the 100 most eminent psychologists of the twentieth century. The character Cal Lightman of the television series Lie to Me is loosely based on him and his work. More on Ekman is detailed here: http://www.paulekman.com/ – Cutting edge behavioural science for real world applications

The Truth is Written All Over Our Faces – Lie to Me

Lie to Me – the TV series

Lie to Me, is about Dr. Cal Lightman (Tim Roth) and his colleagues in The Lightman Group accepting assignments from third parties (commonly local and federal law enforcement), and assisting in investigations, reaching the truth through applied psychology: interpreting microexpressions, through the Facial Action Coding System, and body language.

Me (Ernest) reading Telling Lies - "I give this book 5/5 stars!"

The Book: Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition

Ok so you can tell I enjoy Lie to Me for all the WEALTH of educational, useful and practical material this show offers. The book Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition is a companion to the show’s science. It digs deep into the research behind the accepted theories and introduces the reader to work Ekman done with the Secret Service, FBI, CIA etc… There are also extras which are not in the show like the difference between “manipulators” and “illustrators”.

Manipulators are hard to control and people cannot stop doing them for very long, especially when they are relaxed. They include all those movements in which one part of the body grooms, massages, rubs, holds, pinches, picks, scratches, or otherwise manipulates another body part.  For example; covering the eyes was common among patients who felt shame. Also people have a tendancy to move forward with interest or anger and backward with fear or disgust.

Illustrators however are called by the name because they illustrate speech as it is spoken. The best clue to deceit is when the number of illustrators changes from the norm. For example: people tend to illustrate more then usual when they are furious, horrified, very agitated, distressed, or excitedly enthused. Also the opposite applies. Knowing one’s common illustrators will help you understand what state of mind they are in.

Emblems however are common signs like the finger or the shrug which everyone knows what these mean. Emblematic slips happen subconsciously in response to emotion. Where emblems occur in presentation area (between the waist and the neck area) emblematic slips are never performed in the presentation area. Best indicator is to remember that when “emblematic slips” increase, illustrators decrease.

These indicators are part of the detecting deceit from Words, Voice, or Body group. If you are suspicious of a lie, pay more attention to the voice and body. The voice, like the face, is tied to the areas of the brain involved in emotion and is a great indicator. You might want to check out The Invention of Lying which gives viewers a comical yet revealing truth about the influence of lying and it’s impact on our society.

More to come

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone.” ~ Verbal / Keyser Soze – The Usual Suspects

I started learning about clues to deceit et al some time ago because I was interested in catching lie’s people tell to take advantage of someone. Having been a victim several times, I decided to take action. Since then I have a number of interesting books on body language, micro expressions and practised on Dr. Paul Ekman’s Facial Action Coding System (FACS) software to improve my cognition in categorizing facial behaviors based on the muscles that produce them.

I wanted to know with more accuracy who is “full of it” and who is telling the truth.

I plan to blog more about deceit, body language and micro expressions in the coming months. I believe understanding the people around you is an important trait which one can masture to help with building better rapport, friendship, relationship and to be in a position to stop liars from misleading you. Wouldn’t it be great to know if that sales man just wants a quick sale and isn’t interested in your needs or whether that deal is shonky, and / or misleading.

Essentially, this knowledge helps you make better informed decisions about practically anything in your life. That’s something worth knowing!

I love questions, so ask away!

Ernest.

Links mentioned in this post:

• Dr. Paul Ekman’s website: http://www.paulekman.com/
• Book reviewed: Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition
• TV Series (Lie to Me) based on the book: Lie to Me
• Movie about what the world would be like without lies: The Invention of Lying
• The Usual Suspects (Special Editon)

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I’m sure you’ve wondered why sometimes we come across people we click with instantly and sometimes we struggle with others. Even after using common topics of interest like talking about them / their interests, their family, news et al, there is still something not sticking. You may walk away thinking it wasnt meant to be or that geez that person was hard to communicate to. But what if it didn’t have to be like that and you can change it. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to “click” with everyone – of course it would! This is where understanding each others primary human mode of communication helps. Let’s dig into this further.

Nicholas Boothman, an NLP practisioner and ex-photographer shares the following in his book: How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less

“There are three primary modes that people use to process thoughts (visual, auditory, and kinesthetic — both emotions and physical feelings), and remembered and imagined versions of each one. Understanding individuals primary mode can help you build rapport and connect with them.”

Understanding these primary modes and how to apply them is the secret recipe here.

So what does this all mean, an example

Let’s assume I’m a sales person going to sell you a car. After finding out what your primary mode is, I would use one of the following sales techniques to sell you the car.

a. Primary Visual: “seeing and reading” - I will say, imagine the look on people’s face as they see you driving in this red sporty car on a beautiful sunny day. Is this something you see yourself driving in?

b. Primary Auditory: “listening and speaking” - I will say, hear the growl of this V8 twin turbo engine as your plant your foot down. It’s pure horsepower. Throw your favorite track of Mozart or Guns’n'Roses on and it’s music to your ears. How does that sound?

c. Primary Kinestatic: “touching and doing” - I will say, imagine yourself strapped in pure comfort into those body hugging Recaro bucket seats in this A class safety approved sports car – you know you are safe. You are bound to have a fun and an amazing time. How does that feel?

Did you notice the use of cue words specific to each primary mode? This doesn’t just apply to sales people. Each day when you speak to people you are always selling yourself, your ideas and stories through your communication.

If you are still skeptical, I’m sure you have heard stories of couples miscommunicating. It probably played out like this: wife to husband: “your not listening to me”, husband to wife: “I am, but you’re not seeing what I mean”. Right there; lay’s the key to that form of miscommunication. The wife is auditory and the husband visual. Of course the wife cannot see his point because she needs to hear it.

Understanding the person’s preference – how to use this knowledge

The “clues” to understanding a person’s preference mode are tied in eye movements and choices of words.

a. Eye movements

This applies for right handed individuals. For left handed the sides are switched.

• Visual individual will always look up / up and to the side as they process information. They are also the fast talkers because visual thoughts are a lot quicker to put into words.
• Auditory individual will move their eyes from ear to ear (left to right / right to left) as they need to hear what they are saying. This group are moderate speed talkers.
• Kinestatic individual will look down and to the right as they need to “feel” what they are saying. Typically these people will be slow talkers because to feel and speak is a longer process. Don’t get confused with people looking down and to the left – this is common when people are having internal chatter like reciting a preplanned script e.g. actors or during an interview – all types exhibit this behavior.

b. Choice of words
Listen to the following used in one’s conversation and use the same choice of words to respond.

Visual

Auditory

Kinesthetic

Don’t assume

Just like being right handed one can also be a mix of both sides. Do not make quick assumptions about a persons mode. A person can be a mix of modes like primary visual and secondary auditory, and so on. Understanding this will help you use the right choice of words in your communication at the right time and in no time you will be in a position able to hold a conversation with anyone and build rapport quickly.

Enjoy your new found knowledge and share your experience below in the comments section.

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