Looking back at my childhood I see I was afraid to fail. And I shouldn’t have. I wish I failed more. I wish I took more risk and failed more often. I wish I was wiser back then to see that failure isn’t about looking or feeling bad. Who cares what other people think. Who cares about the labels. It’s just noise, someone else’s noise. All that matters is that the more I Failed the more Feedback I would have received earlier in life. And here lays the root of the discussion on Failure and Success. Now when I say Success I don’t mean rolling in a treasure of money, rather being in a position to handle events that accomplish its intended purpose with more ease and grace.

That gut feeling

Few days ago I was speaking with a friend about the traits successful people have and their drivers. What is it that distinguishes these minorities from the rest and their guides to success.

In the business world, it is said that those successful have a gut feeling about business direction. This is extremely so with exceptional leaders who are known to drag companies out of holes and into success. Their gut feeling didn’t come from the sky, it came from experience. This leader spent early days failing, getting feedback, and learning from this feedback.

Let’s examine another example, the last time you drove your car. You probably listened to the radio while having a chat with your passenger/s and still managed to operate a vehicle that is travelling faster than the fastest land animal. All while avoiding collision with other vehicles & pedestrians. How is it that you traveled from point A to point B so autonomously.

This is due to a learning process you went through which started at the conscious level and with enough emotional experience got recorded into the subconscious (automatic) mind. That’s where the gut feeling comes from. That consciously unknown territory sending you a signal on direction.

Failure is important, early!

Both cases outlined above, the leader and a vehicle driver required early experience, early feedback.

The leader would have moved through the management ranks of a business over the years learning from the experience. The driver from the early days bunny hopping the vehicle or stalling it a few times. The reinforcements of these experiences today make you an exceptional successful person in that field. An accumulation of data (experiences) to make lightning fast decisions based on prior feedback. The power of the subconscious mind.

It is our human nature to want instant gratification. Everything today and now with minimal effort. But nature doesn’t work like that. Look at how your body consumes energy. We eat (a lot), pushing calories into our bodies and expect to not gain weight. If your body burned everything really quickly (so you wouldn’t gain weight) you’d be stuck eating all your life. A bit like the beautiful humming-bird. Your body takes time to extract the energy from food so you can live longer without needing to constantly feed yourself. Ok so you understand this simple concept.

Looking at how things work in nature it’s also important to realise that in order for you to encode (automate) something into your subconscious mind it will also take time. Learning is nothing more than feedback from a set of experiences. The most effective experiences are those where you make mistakes, you fail. Because they involve emotion. Read Think And Grow Rich (1938) to understand the power of emotion in encoding the subconscious memory.

Failure is punished

But hold on, failure is mostly punished. In our society failure is not looked positively upon. We only focus on and reward the successes. We get punished for failure. Hmm… and so the paradox begins. We see this in the corporate world (with the exception of some startups) too often it could cost our job, we see this especially in early childhood and the humility it brings to children when their peers laugh and tease them. Not to mention parents punishing failure.

So if we fear failure how can we learn. How can we change a life long fear of failure into a positive.

Who cares what they think

One solution is not giving a damn about what people say. It’s not going to be easy but you need to realize that failure is just feedback and the stuff in between is just noise. Noise that you can safely ignore and treat as just crappy noise. If this noise doesn’t agree with your feedback then it doesn’t deserve your attention because you are experiencing in order to get feedback to grow stronger and build that gut instinct which will help you drive your world (not theirs) into success.

If you think this is all nonsense then read a few biographies of great man. Man like Richard Branson in Losing My Virginity: How I’ve Survived, Had Fun, and Made a Fortune Doing Business My Way. Branson explains how he built the Virgin Empire. One of the world largest brands behind everything from music, air travel (commercial and space), merchandise, entertainment etc… He did all of this because he chose to experience, fail early and learn from the feedback he received. He didn’t care what people thought of him (that noise) . One thing you will learn from Branson is that his story is littered with failures (feedback). But overall, he did bloody well and therefore is living the dream. His dream. Not someone else’s.

Start today

Ok so it’s never too late to start. Yes starting early in life would have meant that today you would have been in a different position. But starting today is better than not starting at all and then wishing on your death-bed you did more with your life. Regret hurts more than fear of failure. If you want to remember what a great life you had, start today. Make small incremental changes in shaping this new habit so that it becomes a part of the new you. Never forget that failure is just feedback, there will always be noise – who cares about it, and that each day you are only getting better to ultimately start making successful gut decisions. That is success right there.

Here’s to feedback!

Ernest

I just finished reading a New York Times business best seller which geeked me out big time. It’s called Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most. The book is based on 15 years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project. The content walks the reader through a step-by-step approach with examples demonstrating how to have approach and handle these conversations with less stress and more success. Let’s face it, no matter how competent we are, we all have conversations that cause anxiety and frustrations. This book is the golden goose that helps us tackle these issues at home, on the job, or out in the world.

The core of difficult conversations

Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They are not about what a contract states, they are about what a contract means. They are not about being hurt by an action or word they are about how that action or word was interpreted and the impact on our values, what it meant to me. These are not question of right or wrong, but questions of interpretation and judgement.

If your time poor then you can now stop reading because I just told you the holy grail of difficult conversations. If you want to learn more, keep on reading.

Don’t assume their intentions

It’s important to never assume the intentions of the person you are dealing with because your thinking how you feel about them will be affected by it and ultimately, how the conversation goes. So never assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. The truth is, intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them.

Because our view of others’ intentions (and their views of ours) are so important in difficult conversations, leaping to unfounded assumptions can be a disaster.

This shadows what I learnt back in May 2010 at Jeff Slayter’s seminar on the best kept secrets of modern day heroes and leaders. Jeff shared with us this same concept to never judge a person without first separating their “Behavior” from their “Intentions”. Separating these two allows you to delve open-minded and find that their intentions are not as bad as their behavior may be making us think. This is also the trait of a successful leader to be able to see past the behavior of their followers and understand their true intentions – only then is a leader capable of truly understanding their followers.

Best approach to take when communicating

If you need to deal with faults in your difficult conversation, instead of talking about those faults which automatically put people into defense & denial mode, figure out:

1. 1. What kept them from seeing it coming and
2. 2. How to prevent the problem from happening again.

What we are trying to do here is explore why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward since talking about blame distracts us from a resolution.

So, instead of trying to persuade and get your way, you want to understand what has happened from the other person’s point of view, explain your viewpoint of view, share and understand feelings, and work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward.

“Life is just one damn thing after another.” ~ Stone, Patton, and Heen

A difficult conversations checklist

Here is a checklist to follow when having a difficult discussion:

Source: Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen; p 232-233

Three Conversations

Use the following with the checklist above in Step 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations.

Source: Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen; p 18-19

It’s always best to assume that you will encounter difficult discussions, even when you have mastered the ins and our of discussing what matters most. The difference now is that having this knowledge on how to handle difficult discussions allows you to know that it’s okay to talk about them, so the misunderstandings may not be as emotionally draining and are less likely to threaten the relationship.

Here’s to discussing what matters most!
Ernest

Ernest

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Emotional Intelligence or also known as EQ is a quality a successful leader should posses. Western cultures esteem analytics skills measured by IQ tests missing probably the most important quality of a leader, EQ. EQ describes the ability, capacity & skill to identify, assess, manage and control the emotions of one’s self, of others, and of groups.

I had the pleasure of reading Daniel Goleman’s book called “Emotional Intelligence” which explores this mind stimulating and enriching topic. In his book, Goleman explains how emotions play a much greater role in thought, decision-making and individual success than is commonly acknowledged.

Let me explain.

Paul MacLean – 3 brain theory

Dr. MacLean said we do not have 1 brain but 3. Each brain evolved over time one by one over the older brain until there were 3 distinct brains interconnected with their own purpose and function. This is called the Triune Brain Model.

The 3 brains – starting in the center

The 3 brains - in detail

1st – Reptilian (Primitive) is at the brain stem, root brain. This controls breathing, heart and organ functions. It is a part of the brain which cannot be reprogrammed since it regulates your body. Its goal is to make sure you stay alive and reproduce.

2nd – Limbic (Emotional) sits over the primitive brain and is impulsive and powerful. It controls how you feel to certain stimulus. Knowing something is right in your heart. It connects information to memory and works best during emotionally charged context. It serves the primitive brain giving pleasure to natural survival needs.

We like to believe that our decisions are based on our thought but in reality they are based on our “emotional state of mind”… how we feel at the time.

It’s important to know that there was an emotional brain long before rational brain.

3rd – Neocortex (Rational) is the newest part of our brain and is also referred to as the “thinking brain”. It sits on top of the emotional brain and it controls higher level processes such as logic, reasoning, creative thinking, language etc…

Neocortex tends to be swamped by the brains beneath it, especially the emotional brain on which it sits & connects to directly. The emotional brain is known to hijack your rational mind when it its basic needs for survival & reproduction are threatened sending a storm of messages to the lower brain to execute pre-programmed instructions in a fight or flight response. E.g. Fear sends stress signals to all parts of the brain immobilizing the body.

I’m sure by now you can see the importance of the 3 brains and their impact on us and people we lead.

A Japanese tale

There is a nice Japanese tale about a samurai and a zen master. The samurai wanted to know the difference between heaven and hell. The monk replied to the samurai “I have no time to waste with a lout like you”. The samurai flew into a rage and pulled his sword in anger yelling “I could kill you for your impudence!”. “That”, the monk replied “is hell”. Startled, having realised what the monk said the samurai put his sword away, bowed and thanked the monk for his insight. “And that” the monk said “is heaven”.
This illustrates the crucial difference in getting caught up in a feeling and becoming aware that you are getting swept away by it.

Socrates injunction “know thy self” speaks to this keystone of emotional intelligence. Awareness of ones own feelings as they occur and self-awareness as an ongoing attention to ones internal states – being aware of our moods and thoughts about that mood.

How to manage your emotions?

Here are a basic set of set of steps you can follow to learn to control your emotions and in turn understand the emotions and drivers of the people you lead.

• Cease and challenge the emotion (e.g. anger) before reacting to it.
• Realize that you cannot stop emotions flooding your mind. Emotions happen too quickly and outside your rational mind. But you are in total control of how you will react.
• Have an open mind and realise that you may not understand the other story where the emotion was triggered. The situation might not be as bad as you perceive it.
• Each thought triggers more emotions. So use the power of distraction to stop it.

Why is this important?

• We are all affected by the 3 parts of our brain in making and dealing with decisions and people.
• As a leader understanding how this affects you is fundamental in understanding your followers, those that you lead. How can you lead people if you do not understand basic fundamentals of how your emotions drive your world. Understand 1st, then apply.
• Being an effective leader means you understand that people are emotional creatures and at times can get swamped by their lower brains in response to various environmental triggers.
• Intentions and Behaviours are 2 different things. Behaviours are sometimes triggered by lower brain functions. Never make conclusions based on them, rather on the “true intentions” of the said individual, their rational mind. Have an open mind.

Emotional Intelligence

Before you can be effective at this you must understand your own emotions better just like the samurai in the Japanese tale. Once you learn to manage your emotions you will have a profound deep understanding of the people around you and how to best respond, motivate, lead and inspire them. That my life explorers, is true Emotional Intelligence.

Goleman in his book on Emotional Intelligence shares great stories and examples on EQ. If you haven’t already, spend some time immersing yourself in this knowledge. You will be surprised what you learn.

Daniel Goleman’s book on Emotional Intelligence

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The Art of War is a series of Chinese military treatise written by Sun Tzu in the 6th century BC. Sun Tzu was a warrior, philosopher and the greatest military mind in history. His teachings are based on Warfare but can be applied to business and personal life. His teachings are said to have predicted the outcomes of World War, Civil War and Vietnam.

Sun Tzu helps teach us to know our self, to know our strengths, our weaknesses and what we are capable of doing on the battlefield. He constantly reminds us it’s as important to cultivate a deep fundamental understanding of our adversaries so that we can better achieve our objectives. That is powerful and timeless!

The Book – Art of War

I had the pleasure reading Sun Tzu’s teachings in the The Art of War and took notes to share them here on my blog. Below are Sun Tzu’s teachings..

The Story

The story begins with the ruler of the Chinese state of Wu whom agonises over a hostel neighbour Chu which wants to invade with an army of x10 (10:1) more then Wu. The King of Wu summons Sun Tzu to help.

To demonstrate to the King that he is capable of turning anyone into a soldier, Sun Tzu uses the palace women as examples by showing them manoeuvres. Out of the women, he chooses 2 as the platoon leaders to make sure discipline is observed in their unit. When Tzu orders the exercise to begin the women laugh. Tzu says, maybe my instructions we not clear enough, so he repeats them. 2^nd time the girls still giggle.

Sun Tzu says: “If instructions are not clear and commands not explicit, it is the commander’s fault.”

So… if the orders are unclear then it is the fault of the general that the troops did not obey. But if the orders are clear, and his orders have been clear, it is the fault of the subordinate officers that the orders are not obeyed.

Sun Tzu has only 1 way to convince the troops that he is serious. He executes the subordinates’ officers infront of the rest. To Sun Tzu, war is a matter of life or death. This is the principle of his teachings. Once understood everyone from leaders to soldier will be motivated to succeed. Tzu appoints new officers and now the women follow his orders. Sun Tzu has proved his point to the King and is awarded a 30,000 army to fight an army 10x larger using his master work teachings of Art of War.

500bc bamboo strips which the teachings to success were written on.

3 key principles that unify his philosophies:

1. “Know your enemy and know yourself and in 100 battles you will never be in peril.” – intelligence is key.
2. “To win 100 battles is not the height of skill – To subdue the enemy without fighting is.” – outwit your opponent.
3. “Avoid what is strong. Attack what is weak.” – do not go head to head in battles.

The Story – continued…

Instead of waiting for Chu’s army to attack Wu, Sun Tzu invades Chu. But not head on. With brutal speed and efficiency attacking Chu outposts (a gorilla attack approach attacking smaller & weaker forces). This keeps Chu shifting forces between locations to protect their outposts tiring Chu’s army and gives Sun Tzu a better understanding of his enemy. Manoeuvre, surprise and deception are key here for Tzu. Greatest armies in war have always been won by brains not force.

The board game Go can teach us something important here. It is more resource efficient to capture most territory with least number of stones.

Some great quotes from Sun Tzu

“In war, numbers alone confer no advantage – Do not advance relaying on sheer military power.” – Sun Tzu

“Know your enemy and know yourself and in 100 battles you will never be in peril.” – Sun Tzu

“There are five fundamental factors for success in war – Weather, terrain, leadership, military doctrine and most importantly – moral influence.” – Sun Tzu

“Put the army in the face of death where there is no escape and they will not flee or be afraid – there is nothing they cannot achieve.” – Sun Tzu

“It is essentials for victory that generals are unconstrained by their leaders.” – Sun Tzu

“The winning arm realizes the conditions for victory first, then fights – The losing army fights first then seeks victory.” – Sun Tzu

“When troops flee, are insubordinates, collapse or are routed in battle, it is the fault of the general.” – Sun Tzu

And so through preparation, deception and indirect attacks.. using his mind to fight the war, Sun Tzu outwitted the army of Chu and won the war.

If you are interested in more detail I highly recommend you read this amazing book The Art of War.

War leads to disaster – financial and human suffering.
Sometimes the best way to win is to not fight at all.

This is Sun Tzu’s ultimate secret!

Ernest

If you are a fan of the TV Series Lie to Me (like me) you are going to love this book by Dr. Paul Ekman – Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition. This book is the science behind Lie to Me. From breaking the law to breaking a promise, how do people lie and how can they be caught. All 20 years of Ekman’s knowledge in this field is encapsulated inside this fantastic book.

When people lie, their most evident, easy-to-see expressions, which people pay most attention to, are often the false ones. ~ Telling Lies

Who is Dr. Paul Ekman

Dr. Paul Ekman is a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. He is considered one of the 100 most eminent psychologists of the twentieth century. The character Cal Lightman of the television series Lie to Me is loosely based on him and his work. More on Ekman is detailed here: http://www.paulekman.com/ – Cutting edge behavioural science for real world applications

The Truth is Written All Over Our Faces – Lie to Me

Lie to Me – the TV series

Lie to Me, is about Dr. Cal Lightman (Tim Roth) and his colleagues in The Lightman Group accepting assignments from third parties (commonly local and federal law enforcement), and assisting in investigations, reaching the truth through applied psychology: interpreting microexpressions, through the Facial Action Coding System, and body language.

Me (Ernest) reading Telling Lies - "I give this book 5/5 stars!"

The Book: Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition

Ok so you can tell I enjoy Lie to Me for all the WEALTH of educational, useful and practical material this show offers. The book Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition is a companion to the show’s science. It digs deep into the research behind the accepted theories and introduces the reader to work Ekman done with the Secret Service, FBI, CIA etc… There are also extras which are not in the show like the difference between “manipulators” and “illustrators”.

Manipulators are hard to control and people cannot stop doing them for very long, especially when they are relaxed. They include all those movements in which one part of the body grooms, massages, rubs, holds, pinches, picks, scratches, or otherwise manipulates another body part.  For example; covering the eyes was common among patients who felt shame. Also people have a tendancy to move forward with interest or anger and backward with fear or disgust.

Illustrators however are called by the name because they illustrate speech as it is spoken. The best clue to deceit is when the number of illustrators changes from the norm. For example: people tend to illustrate more then usual when they are furious, horrified, very agitated, distressed, or excitedly enthused. Also the opposite applies. Knowing one’s common illustrators will help you understand what state of mind they are in.

Emblems however are common signs like the finger or the shrug which everyone knows what these mean. Emblematic slips happen subconsciously in response to emotion. Where emblems occur in presentation area (between the waist and the neck area) emblematic slips are never performed in the presentation area. Best indicator is to remember that when “emblematic slips” increase, illustrators decrease.

These indicators are part of the detecting deceit from Words, Voice, or Body group. If you are suspicious of a lie, pay more attention to the voice and body. The voice, like the face, is tied to the areas of the brain involved in emotion and is a great indicator. You might want to check out The Invention of Lying which gives viewers a comical yet revealing truth about the influence of lying and it’s impact on our society.

More to come

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone.” ~ Verbal / Keyser Soze – The Usual Suspects

I started learning about clues to deceit et al some time ago because I was interested in catching lie’s people tell to take advantage of someone. Having been a victim several times, I decided to take action. Since then I have a number of interesting books on body language, micro expressions and practised on Dr. Paul Ekman’s Facial Action Coding System (FACS) software to improve my cognition in categorizing facial behaviors based on the muscles that produce them.

I wanted to know with more accuracy who is “full of it” and who is telling the truth.

I plan to blog more about deceit, body language and micro expressions in the coming months. I believe understanding the people around you is an important trait which one can masture to help with building better rapport, friendship, relationship and to be in a position to stop liars from misleading you. Wouldn’t it be great to know if that sales man just wants a quick sale and isn’t interested in your needs or whether that deal is shonky, and / or misleading.

Essentially, this knowledge helps you make better informed decisions about practically anything in your life. That’s something worth knowing!

I love questions, so ask away!

Ernest.

Links mentioned in this post:

• Dr. Paul Ekman’s website: http://www.paulekman.com/
• Book reviewed: Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Third Edition
• TV Series (Lie to Me) based on the book: Lie to Me
• Movie about what the world would be like without lies: The Invention of Lying
• The Usual Suspects (Special Editon)

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“Things are always created twice: first in the workshop of the mind and then, only then, in reality” – Robin Sharma

I had the pleasure of reading Robin Sharma‘s The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari: A Fable About Fulfilling Your Dreams & Reaching Your Destiny. Robin is one of the world’s top leadership experts and has published few other books in this field but this one is his all time classic.

The book is full of Big Ideas. A truley inspiriting and mind opening story with powerful teachings about unlocking who you truley are.

Everyone loves a good fable, and this is certainly one. The protagonist is Julian Mantle, a high-profile attorney with a whacked-out schedule and a shameful set of spiritual priorities. Of course it takes a crisis (heart attack) to give Mantle pause. And pause he does–suddenly selling all his beloved possessions to trek India in pursuit of a meaningful existence. The Himalayan gurus along the way give simple advice, such as, “What lies behind you and what lies before you is nothing compared to what lies within you.” – Amazon

If you haven’t read Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich or Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now then this book is a great introduction to enlightenment and becoming self aware.

Seven Virtues of Enlightened Learning

Sharma goes into detail about the “Seven Virtues of Enlightened Learning”, the habits and how to develop them.

1. Master your mind.
2. Follow your purpose.
3. Practice Kaizen. Japanese for “improvement”.
4. Live with discipline
5. Respect your time
6. Selflessly serve others
7. Embrace the present

Anyone can practice these habits. All it takes is action.

Some great quotes from the book

One of the best pieces of advice I learned in that far-off oasis of Sivana was to rise with the sun and to start the day off well…

The ten-minute period before you sleep and the ten-minute period after you wake up are profoundly influential on your subconscious mind. Only the most inspiring and serene thoughts should be programmed into your mind at those times…

What you put in is what you get out… By determining the thoughts that go in, you also are determining precisely what will come out. So, before you go to sleep, don’t watch the news or argue with anyone or even go over the day’s events in your mind’s eye. Relax. Drink a cup of herbal tea, if you like. Listen to some soft classical music and prepare yourself to drift off into a rich, renewing slumber…

Once you are up, there are many things you can do. The fundamental principle to keep in mind is the importance of starting your day off well. As I’ve suggested, the thoughts you think and the actions you take in the first ten minutes after you wake up have a very marked effect on the rest of your day…

Think positive thoughts. Give a prayer of thanks for all you have. Work on your gratitude list. Listen to some great music. Watch the sun come up, or perhaps go for a quick walk in natural surroundings if you feel up to it. The sages would actually make themselves laugh whether they felt like it or not, just to get the ‘happiness juices’ flowing early in the morning…

Jairek Robbins interview with Robin Sharma

Jairek Robbins

Jairek Robbins did an AMAZING audio interview with Robin Sharma here. I encourage you to listen to this short but powerful interview to understand Sharma’s approach.

Robin Sharma

Sharma’s message is simple – ”I am a simple man with a very simple message… my mission is to help people in organization around the world lead without titles…”
I believe this is a very powerful message. On a daily basis we and our actions are influenced by the titles people give us. And even more damaging, the titles we give ourself. We forget who we truly are and loose touch with our true self. Have a listen to Sharma’s interview with Robbins and awaken!

Read it

In conclusion, Sharma is a great teacher and did a fantastic job with his book The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari: A Fable About Fulfilling Your Dreams & Reaching Your Destiny. Take it for the teachings packaged in this book and let the story be a vehicle in your journey.

If you have read this book already I would love to hear your thoughts.

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Ekhart Tolle’s message is simple: living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment. And while this message may not seem stunningly original or fresh, Tolle’s clear writing, supportive voice, and enthusiasm make this an excellent manual for anyone who’s ever wondered what exactly “living in the now” means. Foremost, Tolle is a world-class teacher, able to explain complicated concepts in concrete language. More importantly, within a chapter of reading this book, readers are already holding the world in a different container–more conscious of how thoughts and emotions get in the way of their ability to live in genuine peace and happiness.

“Most gulls don’t bother to learn more than the simplest facts of flight–how to get from shore to food and back again,” writes author Richard Bach in this allegory about a unique bird named Jonathan Livingston Seagull. “For most gulls it is not flying that matters, but eating. For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight.” Flight is indeed the metaphor that makes the story soar. Ultimately this is a fable about the importance of seeking a higher purpose in life, even if your flock, tribe, or neighborhood finds your ambition threatening. (At one point our beloved gull is even banished from his flock.) By not compromising his higher vision, Jonathan gets the ultimate payoff: transcendence. Ultimately, he learns the meaning of love and kindness. The dreamy seagull photographs by Russell Munson provide just the right illustrations–although the overall packaging does seem a bit dated (keep in mind that it was first published in 1970). Nonetheless, this is a spirituality classic, and an especially engaging parable for adolescents.

This grandfather of all people-skills books was first published in 1937. It was an overnight hit, eventually selling 15 million copies. How to Win Friends and Influence People is just as useful today as it was when it was first published, because Dale Carnegie had an understanding of human nature that will never be outdated. Financial success, Carnegie believed, is due 15 percent to professional knowledge and 85 percent to “the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people.” He teaches these skills through underlying principles of dealing with people so that they feel important and appreciated. He also emphasizes fundamental techniques for handling people without making them feel manipulated. Carnegie says you can make someone want to do what you want them to by seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view and “arousing in the other person an eager want.” You learn how to make people like you, win people over to your way of thinking, and change people without causing offense or arousing resentment. For instance, “let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers,” and “talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.” Carnegie illustrates his points with anecdotes of historical figures, leaders of the business world, and everyday folks. –Joan Price –This text refers to the Mass Market Paperback edition.

Amazon Best of the Month, November 2008: Now that he’s gotten us talking about the viral life of ideas and the power of gut reactions, Malcolm Gladwell poses a more provocative question in Outliers: why do some people succeed, living remarkably productive and impactful lives, while so many more never reach their potential? Challenging our cherished belief of the “self-made man,” he makes the democratic assertion that superstars don’t arise out of nowhere, propelled by genius and talent: “they are invariably the beneficiaries of hidden advantages and extraordinary opportunities and cultural legacies that allow them to learn and work hard and make sense of the world in ways others cannot.” Examining the lives of outliers from Mozart to Bill Gates, he builds a convincing case for how successful people rise on a tide of advantages, “some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky.”

Outliers can be enjoyed for its bits of trivia, like why most pro hockey players were born in January, how many hours of practice it takes to master a skill, why the descendents of Jewish immigrant garment workers became the most powerful lawyers in New York, how a pilots’ culture impacts their crash record, how a centuries-old culture of rice farming helps Asian kids master math. But there’s more to it than that. Throughout all of these examples–and in more that delve into the social benefits of lighter skin color, and the reasons for school achievement gaps–Gladwell invites conversations about the complex ways privilege manifests in our culture. He leaves us pondering the gifts of our own history, and how the world could benefit if more of our kids were granted the opportunities to fulfill their remarkable potential. –Mari Malcolm